Here are some new jokes from my bud Ricky.......
Q: What do you call a skeleton with strands
of blond hair in a closet?
A: The winner of the 1938 Hide’n’Seek
Championship.
Q: What do you do if a blond throws a grenade
at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
A brunette, a redhead, and a blond are at
a firing range. They are being held
captive, and are asked if they have any
last words before they are shot. The
brunette yells, “Flood! Flood!�
In all the confusion, she escapes. The
redhead gets up, and she yells, “Tornado!
Tornado!� Everybody started
running around, and she escaped. Now the
blond gets up and she’s thinking of
how the other two got out. She decided to
follow suit. She’s asked if she
would like to say anything when she yells,
“Fire! Fire!
There’s a brunette, a redhead,
and a blond in a broken-down car in the middle
of the desert. They decide they’ll
each bring only one thing with them on the
walk to the nearest town. The brunette brings
a bottle of water, the redhead
a mini-fan, and the blond brings the car
door so she could roll down the
window.
There’s a mirror that makes
you vanish when you tell a lie in front of it. A
really ugly brunette goes up and says, “I
think I’m the most beautiful girl
in the world.� Poof! She’s
gone. A really fat redhead walks up and says, “I
think I’m the most skinniest
girl in the world.� Poof! She’s gone. The blond
walks up to it and says, “I
think-“ Poof! She’s gone!
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the
bottom of a pool.
Q: Why do you need only two pallbearers at
a blonde’s funeral?
A: Because there’s only two
handles on a garbage can.
Blond: You know, I was born in the U.S.
Friend: Really? What part?
Blond: All of me, silly.
A blond owned a ranch. She had two horses
she just couldn’t tell apart. They
ate the same amount of food, went to the
same places, and acted the same way.
So she decided to measure them. Her idea
was right. The black horse was two
inches taller than the white one.
Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom screech,
vroom, screech?
A: A blond driving through a flashing red
light.
There was a couple that found out that the
husband had an incurable disease
and would die in a week. Well, one day he
smelled his favorite chocolate chip
cookies baking. To weak to yell, he crawled
down stairs. When he reached for
the last cookie of his life, the blond wife
turned around with a wooden spoon
and WHACK!!! She said, “These
are for your funeral. I made them just for you!
Q: What do blonds miss most about a great
party?
A: The invitation.
A blond comes home from work one day and
sees her husband dead on the floor.
She picks up the phone and dials 911…..
Operator: Hello, how may I help you?
Blond: My husband is lying dead on the floor.
Operator: May I take your name please?
Blond: Kate Hill.
Operator: OK, what street do you live on?
Blond: Eucalyptus Street.
Operator: Can you spell that for me?
Blond: Um…Uh…Uh…Um…Can
I just move him down to Oak Street?
A blond Secret Service Agent was waiting
for the president. As Mr. Clinton
got off Air Force One, she couldn’t
help but notice that he was carrying a
pig under each arm. So she saluted, then
asked what the pigs were for.
Clinton said, “They’re
real Razorbacks. I got them for Hillary and Chelsea.�
The blond said, “Good trade,
sir.�
A blond heard that milk baths would make
her beautiful, so she left a note
for the milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When he read it, he thought she
might’ve meant 1.5 gallons.
He knocked her door, she came out, and the
milkman asked her how much milk she wanted.
The blond said, “I want 15
gallons because I’m going to
take a milk bath.� The milkman asked,
“Pasteurized?�
The blond answered, “No, just up to my chin.�
A blond wife suspected her husband of cheating
and was so distraught that she
bought a gun. She came home and found her
husband with another woman in bed
together. She raised the gun to her head
and was about to pull the trigger
when her husband yelled, “Don’t
do it!� She replied, “Shut up, you’re
next.�
A blond is looking at a bird when it suddenly
drops a load. The blond
exclaims, “Good thing I had
my mouth open or that would’ve hit me right in
the face!�
One day, a blond named Babette lost her beauty
shop to a fire. She was very
distressed, so she started praying.
“Oh Lord,� she
cried, “I have never asked for much and have always been a
faithful servant. Please help me win the
lottery so I can support my family!�
The next day, she went to check the numbers
for Lotto, but she didn’t win.
“Oh well, I guess I have to
give God some time to answer my prayers.� She
thought. For months, she continued to check
the numbers, but she didn’t win
the lottery and she was running out of money!
“Oh God!� she
prayed, “why hast thou forsaken me?�
Suddenly, the clouds opened up and a booming
voice came from them. “Babette,
my daughter, meet me halfway and buy a ticket.�
A brunette, a redhead, and a blond were captured
by cannibals. The cannibals
told them that after they died, they’re
skin would be used to make boats.
They could choose how they would die. The
brunette took out a gun and shot
herself. The redhead took out a sword and
stabbed herself. The blond took out
a fork and started stabbing herself. Right
before she died, one of the
cannibals asked her, “Why did
you pick such a painful way to die?� She
responded, “Because now I ruined
your boat!�
A blond spent all her vacation sunbathing.
She decided she would tan on the
roof of her hotel. On the first day, she
wore a bright red bathing suit. On
the second, she was a little more adventurous
and decided to slip out of her
bathing suit to get an overall tan. She
heard someone coming up the stairs,
so since she was lying on her stomach, she
just put a towel on her rear end.
An out-of-breath assistant manager came
up and politely asked her that the
Hilton Hotel staff wanted her to put her
bathing suit back on. She said, “No
one can see me up here, though.�
The embarrassed man said, “You
misunderstood me. You are lying on the dining
room skylight!"
John gets a call from his blond girlfriend
named Buffy. “I’ve got a
problem,� says Buffy. “What’s
the matter?� asks John. “Well, I bought this
jigsaw puzzle, but it’s too
hard. None of the pieces fit together and I
can’t match up any of the edges.�
“What’s the picture of?� asks John.
“A
big rooster.� I’ll
come over,� John says. He gets over and Buffy thanks him
for doing this. She shows him the puzzle.
Then John says, “For Pete’s sake,
Buffy, put the Cornflakes back in the box!�
One day a couple is driving down a scenic
road in the country. They see a
blond standing in a field, doing nothing
at all. They stop the car, get out
and ask her what she was doing. “I’m
trying to win the Nobel Peace Prize.�
“How?� asked the
puzzled couple. “I heard that Nobel Peace Prize is awarded
to those out standing (outstanding) in their
field.�
Q: What happens when you give a blond an
AM radio?
A: It takes her a while to figure out she
can use it at night.
Said the blond to her husband, “I
dreamed I was a muffler last night. Man, am
I exhausted!�
One day a bus full of politicians crashed
on a blonde’s farm. The next
morning a police officer came by and asked
her where the politicians were.
She said she buried them. “Were
any of them alive?� The blond answered,
“Well, some said they were
alive, but you know politicians lie.�
This one is not a blond joke but I couldn’t
leave it out!
Once upon a time, there lived a woman who
had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but, unfortunately,
they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction
to her. Then one day she met a guy
and fell in love. When it became apparent
that they would marry, she thought
to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle
man, he would never go for this
carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice
and gave up the beans. Some
months later her car broke down on the way
home from work. Since she lived in
the country she called her husband and told
him that she would be late
because she had to walk home. On her way,
she passed a small diner and the
odor of the baked beans was more than she
could stand. Since she still had
miles to walk, she figured that she would
walk off any ill effects by the
time she reached home. So, she stopped at
the diner and before she knew it,
she had consumed three large orders of baked
beans. All the way home, she
putt-putted. And, upon arriving home, she
felt reasonably sure she could
control it. Her husband seemed excited to
see her and exclaimed delightedly,
"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded her and
led her to her chair at the table. She seated
herself and just as he was
about to remove the blindfold from his wife,
the telephone rang. He made her
promise not to touch the blindfold until
he returned. He then went to answer
the phone. The baked beans she had consumed
were still affecting her and the
pressure was becoming almost unbearable,
so while her husband was out of the
room she seized the opportunity, shifted
her weight to one leg and let it go.
It was not only loud, but smelled like a
fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took
her napkin and fanned the air
around her vigorously. Then, she shifted
to the other cheek and ripped three
more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking.
Keeping her ears tuned to the
conversation in the other room, she went
on like this for another ten
minutes. When the phone farewells signaled
the end of her freedom, she fanned
the air a few more times with her napkin,
placed it on her lap, and folded
her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to
herself. She was the picture of
innocence when her husband returned, apologizing
for taking so long. He asked
her if she peeked, and she assured him that
she had not. At this point, he
removed the blindfold. There were twelve
dinner guests around the table to
wish her "a happy birthday!"
Check out Ricky's site at http://www.expage.com/redwoodx |
